12 Impossible Things
by Tiamat Feuerbraut
Summary: A series of oneshots; basically, what happens when the Doctor, Captain Jack and various companions pop into the Harry Potter universe? Rating's up for possible nudity. Okay, there WILL be nudity - we are talking about Jack Harkness here.
1. An Impossible Thing

_Just a plot bunny I needed to kill... so, our beloved immortal Captain Harkness comes across a homicidal wizard lord. No, I have no idea why and how, it just kinda sounded good in my head._

_And no, I don't care how impossible or unlikely that is. Long live pointless silliness!_

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><p>This was so not what he had expected.<p>

He had come here with the intention of luring Voldemort into killing him, thus stopping this horrible fight for good. But just when the Dark Lord had raised his wand, a fraction of a second before he had said the fatal words, this _man_ had appeared out of nowhere. He hadn't apparated, that much he could tell, for this was still impossible on the grounds. And yet he was here, grinning at Voldemort and seemingly oblivious to where he was and what was going on.

The Dark Lord glared at the man, wand at the ready. "Who are you? Answer me!"

The man grinned. "Me? I'm Captain Jack Harkness. Mind you, who are _you_?"

"…what?"

"Yeah, well, I believe we haven't met before, so, who are you?"

"I am the Dark Lord!" Voldemort hissed, "I am Lord Voldemort! And I ask the questions here!"

"So, I take it you are in charge of this little… what is this, anyway?" That Harkness man glanced around, taking in the sight of the Death Eaters in the clearing. "Are you having an orgy? Mind if I join in?"

"Are we having a _what_?" For the first time, Voldemort seemed to be speechless. Instead, one of the Death Eaters took a step forward.

"Don't you dare insult the Dark Lord! _Avada Kedavra_!"

There was a familiar flash of green light, and the stranger dropped dead where he had stood, with a smile still on his face. A whisper went through the ranks of the Death Eaters. Some of them still looked surprised, others confused. Voldemort just seemed annoyed.

"Tedious intruders. Someone check the wards. I need to know how he apparated here."

Two men disappeared into the woods, obeying their master. Said master now returned his attention to Harry.

"As for you, Harry Potter… so you have chosen to come to me, at last."

It looked like he wanted to say more, but he was interrupted by a sudden movement on the ground. Every single person in the clearing watched in infinite surprise as the man who had introduced himself as Jack Harkness and who had just been killed took a deep breath and sat up.

"What the hell was that for?" He looked at Voldemort. "Why did he do _that_?"

He got up, beating the dust from his coat. No one said a word when he casually strolled toward the Death Eater who had killed him. "Killing an unarmed man, that's pretty rude, you know? But…" He patted the man's cheek. "I think we can make up again, handsome." He spun around, beaming at the assembly. "So, how about that orgy? I'm not picky; you can all have a turn with me."

"What kind of magic is that?" Voldemort sounded perplexed. "I demand to know how that spell works!"

Harkness looked at him, a puzzled expression on his face. "Excuse me? What _spell_?"

The Dark Lord stepped into the circle, so close to the stranger that he almost touched him.

"The one you used to protect yourself! He killed you, we all saw it! Yet you are alive now! How did you do that?" He pressed his wand under his chin. "Tell me!"

The stranger raised his empty hands. "Hey, careful with that stick! You're gonna poke someone's eye out!" He pushed the wand aside like a child's toy, taking a step backwards. "I did do nothing. I die, I revive. That's it. Nothing special about that."

"Impossible!" Voldemort swung his wand, and with a flash of green light, the stranger fell to the ground once more. With bated breath, Harry looked at the body, as did everyone else. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then, out of the blue, the man's eyes flew open, and he sat up again, breathing heavily and shooting Voldemort an annoyed glance.

"Could you guys just stop killing me already? If you don't want me to join your party, _fine then_, I'll leave."

"_You will go nowhere_!" Now Voldemort really sounded hysteric. "You will tell me your secret! You will-"

He was interrupted by a weird sound coming from just behind the trees. A pulsating blue light shone through the leaves, and Harry gaped at the large, wooden police box appearing in the darkness. Seconds later, the noise stopped, and the door of the box opened. Light from the inside revealed the shape of a man leaning out of the box.

"Jack? You there?"

Harkness quickly started up to his feet again. "I'm here! I'm alright. Just some weird guys having an orgy, nothing to worry about."

"Oh, please tell me he's naked!" Another shadow appeared, apparently that of a woman, judging by the voice.

"Sorry to disappoint you, he's fully clothed." Impatiently, the man tapped his foot. "Will you come in already? It's a bit chilly out here, and I'd really like to go to Barcelona now."

"Alright, I'm coming. These guys are no fun anyway." He straightened his coat and gave a mock salute. "So long, guys! Have fun together!"

Leaving a dumbfounded Voldemort behind, he entered the box. Seconds later, the weird noise began again. The blue light faded, and gone were box and man.

Grave as the situation was – never in his entire life would Harry forget Voldemort's next words.

"_What the bloody hell was that_?"

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><p><em> It's never Barcelona...<em>


	2. An Awful Lot of Running

_So, I decided to make this a part of my "12 short stories in 12 months" challenge. Meaning, I aim for one chapter a month. If you'd like to read a special scene, suggest characters, whatever, leave me a review, and I see what I can do :)_

_This is my take on the fact that David Tennant played both the Doctor and Barty Crouch Jr. ..._

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><p>Lights flashed in all colours around them as Rose, keeping a firm hold on the Doctor's hand, tried to avoid getting hit by what those people seemed to call "spells". They had been chased by all kinds of angry mobs, but this one was new, with all the stick-waving and light-shooting. It had happened out of the blue; they had been eating ice cream while they waited for the TARDIS to recharge. Suddenly, some guys had started screaming, people had pointed at them, and next thing she knew they had been running for their lives. Again.<p>

"Doctor?"

The TARDIS already was in sight.

"Yeah?"

Almost there.

"Why are we running again?"

"Apparently..."

Just a few more yards.

"...those people..."

They pushed the doors open and stumbled into the TARDIS, beams of light hitting the doors as they closed. The Doctor started pushing buttons frantically, and Rose was relieved to hear the sound of the engines as they disappeared into time and space.

"...seem to think that I am a wanted fugitive."

He sat down in the leather chair, scratching his head.

"If only I could remember what it was that I did in _this_ world..."


	3. Riot in the Dungeons

_I admit it took me a while, but here it is, a brand new episode of Captain Jack driving people nuts. Enjoy :)_

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><p>Orgy in space with zero gravity? Check.<p>

Threesome with ten hands and five mouths? Check.

Being naked in a dungeon with bubbling cauldrons and jars full of eyeballs and other interesting body parts? No, that was a new one.

Also, he still didn't know why that sour-looking man was pointing a wooden stick at him. It didn't _look_ dangerous; on the other hand, in his experience, if somebody was holding something like a weapon, it probably was one.

"Now, would you be so kind and tell me who you are and how you managed to break into my office? Did that Potter boy do this again?"

"Potter who?"

An angry grunt followed by some stick-waving produced some sparks that didn't feel all uncomfortable. Kinda like very bizarre foreplay...

"Your name!" the man commanded. "And for Merlin's sake, cover yourself!"

Jack looked down his very naked body. "Why? You don't like what you see?"

The man looked like he was about to explode. So did some cauldrons.

"I don't _care_ what I see! No naked people in my office!"

Shrugging, Jack grabbed a black pointy hat from a shelf behind him and put it on his head. "If you insist..."

The other man watched this with an expression somewhere between confusion and fury. Jack winked at him, then bent over one particularly shiny kettle on the next table. "Looks weird, though. Do you use that for roleplay or what?"

"Do I use it for _what_?" Purple smoke began to rise from a cauldron behind the stranger, like it was an answer to his mood. It made him look like a rather uptight creature from down below.

"I don't know what you are talking about! Nobody plays in here. Now put that hat where it belongs!"

Puzzled, Jack took the hat and held it in front of him. "What? You mean like this?"

He looked down and moved his hips. A grin spread on his face. "Well, looks a little unusual, but could be fun, I guess."

"Wha- How is this in any way funny?"

"Oh, buddy, you really don't get much action down here, do you?"

Still grinning widely, Jack wiggled the hat suggestively. "Change that now, shall we?"

It was a nice coincidence that the cauldron behind the man chose to spit its contents into the air in very same moment the man exploded. He wielded the stick like a sword, and multiple jars began flying towards Jack.

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

The hat landed square in the growing, bubbling puddle on the floor. Jumping over the cauldrons, Jack bolted for the door.

"Why do guys with sticks always overreact?"

The wall hit the door with a bang as Jack sprinted through some tunnels. He stumbled some stairs and raced through another corridor, all the while chased by the strange man who had gathered up his black dress and, screaming, waved his stick. Something like colourful gunshots hit the walls around Jack repeatedly.

After almost crashing into another door, Jack entered a hall filled with people and slowed down a little. Avoiding groups of boys and girls, all dressed alike in black robes and looking very surprised, Jack ran for the wide-open portal leading outside.

"STOP! THAT! MAN!"

The kids conveniently ignored the squeaked order, allowing Jack to jump down a flight of stone stairs leading onto the front lawn. In the distance, Jack could see a forest. Maybe he could hide there and call the Doctor to pick him up. Well, once he'd figured out how to do that without his phone.

He almost tripped over his own feet as he heard the faint sound of the TARDIS, quickly growing louder – and somewhere very close by. He looked around, searching for his way to escape, occasionally dodging streams of colourful sparks. Somewhere behind him, the weird man was still yelling at him.

"Jack, you bloody idiot, how did you do _that_?"

Jack skidded to a halt and spun around, beaming at the wiry man leaning out of the familiar blue box that blocked the screaming stranger from his view. Quickly, Jack slipped into the TARDIS.

"I don't know. Must have been a malfunction."

The Doctor snorted, returning to the console. "She doesn't malfunction. If she kicked you out butt-naked, you must have annoyed her."

The Doctor started pressing buttons and pulling levers, and the TARDIS restarted, carrying them away from shouting people with wooden sticks.

Just before they disappeared, Jack heard a faint bump, an as they vanished into time and space, the ghostly echoes of very explicit obscenities followed them.

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><p><em>As usual, if you want someone special in a story, tell me in the reviews :)<em>


	4. Space Wizard

_Yeah, well, so much for one story a month... anyway, for those who were patient enough to wait, enjoy the new chapter :D_

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><p>To be honest, the situation <em>was<em> slightly awkward. He had just noticed that the TARDIS needed a recharge, and attempted to go to Cardiff for that exact purpose. But before he could so much as push a button, she had flown off on her own accord, apparently deciding that there was another Rift close by that she liked more. Stubborn little thing, she was.

A careful look outside had revealed that they had landed, in fact, in an office. Granted, it was a little old-fashioned; something some of his previous regenerations might have liked. Books and paintings and odd devices everywhere, sparkling and humming... Actually, it might be rather interesting to take a closer look – if it wasn't for the old man sitting behind the desk and looking directly at him.

He seemed awfully calm despite the big blue box that had just materialised in front of him. The Doctor was used to people freaking out wherever he went (well, to be fair, they didn't _always_ freak out specifically because of him...). That man, however, just sat there, hands folded, looking at him with mild surprise.

"Uhm... hello?" The Doctor scratched his head. "Sorry to disturb you, I, uhh, think I took the wrong exit."

"It rather seems that you made a very unusual entry," the man replied, stroking his beard. "I am impressed. You are the first one to apparate directly into my office. May I ask how you did that?"

"How I did what?" Cautiously, the Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS and closed the door. From what he had learned, if someone stayed so calm after he arrived out of the blue in a closed room, they were probably even crazier than he was.

"Get into my office, of course." The man stood up, revealing that he was dressed in an odd gown the colour of smoke. "Pray tell me, why did you arrive in an old telephone box? And why are you wearing a crown?"

"It's is a tiara. Tiaras are cool. Why are _you_ wearing a dress?"

Chuckling, the man smoothed the heavy fabric. "It's robes. That's what I always wear." He walked around the desk, eyeing the TARDIS with evident interest. "That's an interesting box you have there. I take it it is not an ordinary phone box?"

The Doctor didn't let the man out of his sight while he rounded the TARDIS, examining her curiously. "Not at all, no. It's a time machine. Like a Delorean, only much cooler."

"Ah." Did that really sound like... understanding? "It is an unusual form for a time travelling device. Why did you choose that shape?"

"I didn't choose it."

The Doctor actually got a little excited as he noticed the man's scientific interest. It had been a while since he had a proper scientific discussion. Of course, it was nice to have Amy and Rory around, but their human chit-chat wasn't exactly stimulating.

"Her chameleon circuit... the disguise mechanism broke while I was in the 1960s London, and I never got around to fix it."

"Chameleon circuit?" The man turned around, raising an eyebrow. "If you need to disguise your machine, why don't you make it smaller so you can hide it better?"

"Actually, she _is_ rather small. For a TARDIS, that is. But you know, she is kind of... bigger on the inside."

"Bigger on the inside!" The man clapped his hands, grinning widely. "Which spell did you use for that?"

"Spell? No, it's not magic, it's just science."

"Science!" The stranger looked a little like a child in candyland now. "You can use muggle science for time travel! That is amazing!"

He turned around and produced a wooden stick from his sleeve. Upon wiggling it, a comfortable-looking armchair appeared out of nowhere. The Doctor watched in disbelief as a carafe and two glasses followed. Beaming widely, the man gestured at the chair.

"Sit, sit! Please! We can have a nice brandy, and you can tell me all about your time travelling telephone!"

-o-

When Amy and Rory finally grew tired of waiting, they decided to ignore the Doctor's warning he had signalled them before he had closed the TARDIS' door. He hadn't come back since then, but the lack of any disturbing noises had convinced Amy that whatever was outside couldn't be _too_ dangerous.

Rory wasn't so sure of that.

"Amy, really, he told us so stay inside!"

"He _waved_ for us to stay inside. That's a difference. We could have... misunderstood."

"What? Amy, are you- Amy, no, come back inside!"

Deciding that her fiancé wasn't too panicked, Amy pushed the TARDIS door open. What she saw was most unusual.

Apparently, the TARDIS had landed in an old-fashioned office, full of books, paintings and all sorts of weird devices, some buzzing, some glowing, and some moving on their own. At a huge wooden desk, two men were seated, leaning towards each other, talking rapidly, while waving around brandy glasses, with the golden liquid sloping around precariously in the glasses. The Doctor looked thoroughly hammered, and the older man he was with no less. Upon their entry, both beamed at them and tried to stand up – failing miserably.

"Amy! Rory!" The Doctor swung his glass around, splashing his drinking buddy with brandy. "Come on in! We're having so much fun!"

"Yes, yes, join us!" The older man waved some sort of stick, and a few more glasses appeared out of nowhere, hovering in the air. "The good Doctor was just telling me about his latest trip to Raxacoricofallapatorius! Marvellous planet!"

That was probably not how Amy would have described Raxacoricofallapatorius. Cautiously, she made her way across the room, with a clearly confused Rory on her heels.

"Doctor? What exactly are you doing?"

"Just havin' a chat with good ol' Albus! Look, he gave me his hat. Pointy hats are cool now!"

"So... you just randomly decided to visit an old friend?" Rory asked, obviously on the verge of running away screaming. Again.

"Nah, never saw 'im before," the Doctor grinned. "But he's a cool guy. C'mon, join us!"

"Doctor, you're drunk."

"'course I am."

The Doctor looked at Amy as though he had to scold a child. Which would have been a lot more impressive if he didn't have so much trouble focussing on her face.

"We were drinking. It's a logical consequence that I'm drunk."

The pointy hat he was wearing swayed, and he reached up to hold it in place. Just now Amy noticed that the other man... Albus... was not only wearing a dress, but also the tiara the Doctor had been wearing when he had left the TARDIS. His glasses only hung from one ear, and he looked a bit cross-eyed.

"My dear... Amy, was it? You should not worry, there is no harm in the occasional-"

A hiccup cut him off, making the tiara slide over his eyes. He reached up with an unsteady hand and shoved the little plastic crown back into place. He opened his mouth, and then closed it again.

"What was I about to say?"

"The occasional hiccup- err, Brandy, does no harm to a healthy individ-" A hiccup. "-dshuul."

"Yeah, right. I can see that."

Rolling her eyes, Amy took the glass away from the Doctor, who reached for it, but fell onto the desk before he got hold of it.  
>"Amy!" He sounded suspiciously like a stubborn child. "That's ma brandy!"<p>

"I know, and that's why I'm taking it." She turned to her fiancé. "Rory, take him back to the TARDIS." Putting the glass down, out of reach of the pouting Timelord, she returned her attention to the other man. "I'm sorry, but I think he's had enough. Whatever you were doing, he can as well come back later, when he's sober again and knows how to navigate the TARDIS without risking our lives."

The older man – Albus – just chuckled, making a nonchalant gesture. "That's just fine. We don't want him to have an accident because he couldn't walk straight."

"He couldn't walk straight when I first met him, and I seriously doubt that walking into _anything_ could make things worse." Shaking her head, Amy turned to follow Rory and the Doctor. "Whatever. Uhm... goodbye, then..."

"Goodbye, my dear. And goodbye Doctor!"

"G'bye- ouch!"

"Doctor!"

"Oh, dammit Rory!"

Without looking back, Amy hurried to help Rory get the Doctor into the TARDIS. Apparently, he had already walked into the door, but maybe she could help Rory prevent him from walking into something more important – like the TARDIS console. He barely could fly this thing when he was sober. What could happen if he tried to fly it drunk – that was something Amy was so not keen on finding out...


End file.
